Parenting Coordination
For children to thrive after divorce, the research unequivocally points to the need for parents to reduce parental conflict. Working with a skilled and experienced Parenting Coordinator can alleviate the fighting by helping parents to address their underlying concerns while simultaneously focusing on the needs of their children.
Co-parenting is a difficult task even in good marriages. In divorce, it can be particularly challenging. Differences of opinion can quickly turn volatile because the conflicts are fueled by old hurts and resentments dating back to the time of the marriage. Parents may lock into seemingly rigid positions because they are suspicious of the others motives and intentions. For example, in divorce, it is common for parents to express concern that their ex-spouse will marginalize their role as the child’s mother or father. If a parent fears their influence will be diminished, they may try to address that fear by vigilantly protecting each minute of time allotted to them in the parenting schedule. Though understandable, this inflexible application of the agreement can result in decisions that deprive children of the ability to attend important events or in other ways, do not serve children well. Similarly, negative emotions such as guilt or feelings of being controlled and disrespected can result in a parent’s unwittingly retaliating by engaging in withholding or uncompromising behavior. Thus, a parental disagreement that appeared to be about scheduling or extracurricular activities may in fact be the forum through which parents express their feelings of fear, hurt and betrayal.
Regardless of the reasons for the conflict, when parents fight children easily get caught in the middle. When the fighting remains pervasive and the scripts repetitive, parents can be said to have an unsuccessful divorce. That is, the divorce did not cure the problem. The parents remain negatively attached to each other, continuing the marital battle from two separate domiciles. A skilled parenting coordinator can move the discussion forward by simply keeping parents focused on the best interests of their children. In addition, they can help parents address the underlying issue, thereby diffusing the conflict. When parents are helped to encapsulate negative emotion good discussion ensues and thoughtful, child focused decisions result.
